Landlords rescue struggling health system

All hail our selfless landlords!  After pocketing $2.9 billion in tax cuts that would otherwise be gifted to the old, sick, and miserable through our teetering health system. Community minded landlords have banded together to fill the void left by National's heroic health cuts.

Landlords, commonly known as the backbone of the country, have shown the type of can-do attitude that only generations of tax-free inheritances can instill in an individual. These last few weeks scores of landlords have selflessly been sharing with Doctors and Nurses the skills garnered through years of tax and work-free living.

Property Investor, Patrick Miller, does his bit, by helping out with a life threatening surgical procedure at Auckland's Middlemore Hospital on Tuesday.

Ways landlords are helping our health sector.

• Performing emergency surgeries

• Reducing bed nights by evicting sick patients mid-operation

• Painting Over Mould in Operating Theatres

Mike Williams a Landlord with 80 properties shares his technique for painting over black mould at Tauranga Hospital in the weekend.

• Double dipping by claiming for the same operation across multiple hospitals

• Billing ACC for treatments not completed

• Running Insurance Fraud workshops for hospital finance teams

  
  

Simon Terry a self professed 'Slum Landlord' has been running Insurance Fraud for Beginners workshops for Hospital staff in Auckland.

·       Reducing patient numbers by refusing to accept patients from ethnic minorities

·       Making money by listing unclaimed body parts on the dark web

Simon Terry has been making money for the hospital by selling off 'unclaimed' body parts on the lucrative dark web.

It has been estimated that around 346 landlords with over 200 properties each will collectively gain nearly half a billion dollars in tax breaks. Thankfully this money has gone back to our hard working landlords rather than being wasted on life-saving surgeries and expensive treatments for child cancer patients.

Big Tobacco Joins the Party

Not to be left out, newly minted tobacco companies have been doing their bit with their unnecessary tax cuts by helpfully infusing tobacco into hospital oxygen tanks.

Big Tobacco executives have also been joining doctors on their morning rounds. This technique has been found to reduce patient numbers considerably with 50% of patients dying as consequence of their conversations with the tobacco representatives.

We can all agree that these measures taken by our selfless landlords and tobacco lobbyists will go a long way to fix our crumbling health system once and for all.